"Special" Massage

I love a massage. I'd go every day if I could. I don't need to be wrapped in herbs like a salmon fillet, but I do love a massage.

Jason Bateman

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/massage.html#O8i4pWlfUDkkyy14.99

I love a massage. I'd go every day if I could. I don't need to be wrapped in herbs like a salmon fillet, but I do love a massage - Justin Bateman

I know I promised some stories so here is story #1. I have told a portion of this story from a friends point of view or my version of it just as an FYI. A few years ago a friend and I spent some time in India. For purposes of protecting my friend’s identify I refer to her as Alice. We had spent some weeks in a few of the Northern states and had headed to Southern India, Enchanting Kerala to be exact. Southern India is the number on spice and tea region of India. It is a very interesting place to visit it has a rich culture, heritage, history and religion that includes but is not limited to Sikhs, Muslim, Christian, Catholic, Judaism, and Hindu just to name a few. Kerala is known for its Ayurvedic medicines and treatments including massages in which spices and plants play a huge part of. Everywhere we had traveled in India people kept asking us if we were going to have an Ayurvedic massage including our driver (yes we had our own personal driver – this is a must!). We were always a bit evasive about answering the massage question as India in itself is an assault on the senses all six and I think a few others we didn’t know we had. There is nothing even remotely close to western culture – this is not a bad thing – it’s just different. Even when you think you may have found something close to North American culture it turns out to be a falasy. Again this is not a bad thing or else why and what would be the purpose of travelling to different countries and experiencing different cultures? Back to the story...our driver Tion (yes for 19 days we called him this only to discover this wasn’t his real name but he never corrected us...ah India) said he knew that the reason why we didn’t want to have an Ayurvedic massage was because we were afraid of having a male masseuse but we weren’t to worry this not this case. In India men massaged men and women massaged women so according to him all our fears and concerns should have dissipated with this news. Now I had had a massage before while Alice hadn’t – this is important. So I told Alice massages are nice you’re never naked or exposed completely you are always under a sheet on a nice heated bed on a sheet in a nice calming room with soft lighting and music – it’s a nice relaxing experience, plus we had seen tons of brochures of foreigners getting an Ayurvedic massage all over the country and it seemed like the “thing” to do.

So Alice and I agreed to have an Ayurvedic massage and left the location up to Tion – who we had come to trust literally with our lives as he had proven himself more than worthy on multiple occasions. So one evening we left our hotel and walked a block to the massage parlour Tion had chosen for us. Tion even accompanied us so that we would feel safe. We entered a small office area with two doors one marked men and one marked women. There were several photographs of men receiving a massage on the wall and although I thought this somewhat strange after a month in India nothing was really strange it was the norm. So into the women’s side Alice and I went for our “Special Massage” that Tion had booked for us. Now would be a good time to mention that although neither Alice nor I are huge people we are not small people either and we are both rather busty and white incredibly white or fair as some people would say, basically we did not blend...at all.

The room we entered had a common area and two smaller rooms so we would each have our own “private” area and personal masseuse. I should mention the lighting was awful full on overhead fluorescent lights which I was hoping would be dimmed....for the record they never were. We each met our masseuse and went into our own room.

My Massage

Upon entry I discovered that there wasn’t a nice comfy sheeted massage bed but rather a table covered in bright green vinyl which was shiny from all the past use of massage oil. My masseuse indicated I needed to take my clothes off and reached for a blue smock which I thought was for me...so after I stripped to my underwear which she apparently wanted me to also take off though I didn’t because her English wasn’t great and I didn’t comprehend the need for removing my underwear. She was holding a blue smock which I thought was for me until she put it on and I was left standing there in my all nakedness except my undies then she jestered for me to get up on the table. I took a deep breath and hopped on up still hoping for lights to dim – no such luck. Just so you know white especially very fair skinned people in blaring unflattering lights look whiter or at least you feel you do with your boobs spilling everywhere (or at least it felt that way). At this point I began thinking uh Alice is going to kill me I promised little skin showing and certainly never thought being 95% naked on a table in blaring white light was part of the deal. I started to become a bit uncomfortable and concerned this is one of those times when having a brain that constantly runs like a hamster in its wheel is not a pro it is most definitely a con!

After lying down on the table I was literally covered with thick Ayurvedic massage oil. When I mean everywhere I mean everywhere, the exception being the precious lady triangle, hair, boobs, ass everything was covered. This also meant that everything was also massaged....as I lay on the table and felt my masseuse start to slowly massage my legs going higher and higher up and basically moving my underwear so it covered about an inch of my ass (the crack part) I started to panic about the term “Special Massage” and what I had gotten Alice and I into. All I could think about were “Special Massages” that are given in Massage Parlours back home –  in North America mainly men go to these massage parlours for a body massage and a hand job (sorry but this is this truth). So as I am laying there thinking literally oh my god am I about the get the female version of the man special massage? I am completely in full on panic mode thinking both Alice and I are about to get something that neither of us thought of and I, I was the one to convince her it would be a great experience. Thankfully as my masseuse started to work her way back down my legs I realized that this massage although special wasn’t that kind of special, I was able to relax when I realized my virtue or at least my own personal dignity was going to be spared. The massage continued however, I can honestly say I have never had before or since then had someone who wasn’t a doctor or lover in my life even touch my boobs never mind massage them....it was definitely a new experience and in all honestly I can say it was completely non-sexual.

Alice’s Massage

Alice was led into her massage booth with a very friendly masseuse whose grasp of the English language far exceeded my masseuses’. She told Alice to strip...everything when she left her underwear on her masseuse said those too and held out a strip of what to her looked like wax paper with two pieces of string...this was what she was to wear in place of her underwear. Then her massage began although unlike mine she had chatty Cathy my masseuse didn’t really speak she just focused on the massage. Not sure what was better talking while having someone touch you in places that you previously thought was off limits of having quite while having someone touch you in off limit body areas?.. jury is still out on this one.

We emerge

After we both had been covered head to down in Ayurvedic oil and massaged everywhere we were separately led out to the main women’s area where there where these two wooden boxes that were steaming- basically the rough guide of the personal sauna. I am so completely serious. I was instructed to get into one of the boxes which I did because really at this point I was in too deep to say no. So I was literally locked into this steaming box (with my underwear still wedged in my ass by the way) when Alice emerged from her room attempting to cover all three lady parts with only two hands being directed to her own steaming wooden box. The wax paper strip proved completely useless as it was 100% see through because it was soaked with massage oil. Although both of us were dying to talk about what we had experienced we couldn’t as both our masseuses were present and talking to us like this was the best experience in the world. To this day I have no idea how Alice and I managed all those minutes in the saunas staring at each other and not managing to say anything other than basic pleasantries and smile... Even though we had shared a room while traveling our simultaneous emergence was the time when we literally saw all of each other, as my underwear hadn’t really survived either the massage oil or the sauna. After our time in the sauna’s was up we both went back into our own massage rooms where we were literally toweled off everywhere by our masseuse. Once we were clothed and thanked our masseuse’s we emerged into the office where we paid and Tion was patiently waiting for us with a big smile saying how did you like it? Wasn’t the “special massage” amazing? All we could do was nod, smile and say yes it was great. Tion walked us back to our hotel where upon entry all the hotel staff thought it was great that we had a special Ayurvedic massage and wasn’t it amazing. To which all we could do again was smile, nod and say yes. When we finally got to our room we both sank onto our beds and literally laughed so hard for about 15 minutes straight we then exchanged our own versions of the “special massage” while still laughing.

To be honest to this day it is the best massage I have ever had. I have never smelt or felt better and this lasted for days afterwards. Alice and I even managed to buy several bars of Ayurvedic soap to take home with us. I would definitely have another “special massage” only in India though given the chance, boobs and all at least next time I will be prepared. Hind sight is had I actually known what was all involved I would never have taken the risk and would have missed out on a great experience. After spending 6 weeks in India and having this experience I realized that North Americans are so conservative in society and private about nakedness and our bodies although this is completely contrary to what is portrayed by our media, tv shows, and movies while Indians are 180 degrees opposite at least in private. It was refreshing and is one of my best memories of this trip. I can relive it whenever I want with Alice and it makes us both laugh still.

Lessons for the non-singleton

“When did being single become a disease?”  Michael Thomas Ford, The Road Home 

Ok people listen up –this is an important message about your single friends, family members, co-workers or other people in your life. First off singles = singletons. Although this might seem like a bit of rant there are good lessons and intentions behind it. When I refer to singletons I refer to people who are actually single...let me clarify these are people who are SINGLE, not married, not living with someone, not common law, not serial daters and not people who have one or many friends with benefits. If you have never had to mark SINGLE –NEVER MARRIED or SINGLE – DIVORCED or even worse SINGLE – WIDOW/WIDOWER this message is for you so listen up.

First lesson: people who are single without children, who have never had children and/or who do not want/can’t have children are NOT in the same category as people who are single (for whatever reason) and have children. We are miles apart please do not try to shove us all in the same can, we will not fit. Just to clarify as much as I love pets and their special roles in our lives children for the purpose of this post do not include pets (yes I felt I had to clarify this point).

Second Lesson: believe it or not singletons are not social pariahs...I know shocking. Nor or we necessarily seeking the life that married people, people with children or any other family/couple situation may have.  Many singletons are very happy with their life situation...again this may be shocking.  We are not living in Victorian England! People are allowed to have careers, be single, enjoy their life choices and not be breeders it is the 21^st century....get over it.

Third lesson: please stop the pity party on our behalf, in fact don’t even send out the invitations. We didn’t get the invitation and even if we did there is a 99.99% chance that we didn’t/won’t show up! There is nothing wrong with someone who is single and who may remain so for short or long periods of time or even their entire lives. Being single does not mean we haven't experienced love, lust, passion or any other real emotion that marrieds and people with kids do/did.FYI the sad/pity looks for singletons are just as offending as terms such as, old maid or spinster.  

Fourth lesson: sometimes it’s nice to get an invitation to spend time with others...remember that just because you have someone to go home to everyday others may not and its nice to get an invitation doesn’t have to be for a holiday or special occasion. This does not include random blind dates/dinner invites with other singletons. Important note – just because two people are single is not a basis for why they should be shoved/forced together or thought of as a “good match”

Fifth lesson: please stop asking about our personal life or lack there of...if we want you to know we will tell you otherwise it's a no-go-zone, especially at work – no one wants to be the office pet project. There is nothing worse than having married/coupled off co-workers, family, friends etc finding out the single person is dating and living (or attempting to) vicariously through the single person...This is unpleasant (Translation = sucks) for singletons. It is awkward and feels invasive particularly when people add “I am so glad I don’t have to date anymore it must really suck”. Yes, it can and thanks for making it seem like a special time in my life because I’m not self conscious enough about dating in my whatevers with all my married/coupled off friends, family, co-workers etc, gawking and haggling about dates and providing unsolicited advice and/or comments. (Friends of mine I know you don’t do this to me, but seriously people do – stop it).

Sixth lesson: stop asking us if we have “plans” this weekend by plans we know you mean “a date” the answer is usually no and then we have to look at your crest fallen face and judge ourselves or you (usually it’s you) for the rest of the day or week.

Seventh lesson: please stop acting like the world has stopped rotating because we don’t have children. Some people do not wish to be single parents, or even want children and how about this nugget of information....some people (men and women) are actually physically unable to have children! I know shocking but true and this can be an upsetting conversation piece.

Seventh lesson part duex: please stop saying things like “you still have time”, “never say never” or “when the time is right you will change your mind” NEWS FLASH for those of us who don’t want children, who are approaching 40 and/or who are over 40 we are FINE with not having  a kid(s). I am well aware that my uterus is shrinking without use, that my ovaries will remain intact...trust me when I say this, I am fine with it. I don’t go home and cry into my big pillow because I have chosen to not reproduce there are plenty of other people out there doing it for me. You heard me, humans need not fear that we will go extinct people like the Duggars with 19 kids have already replaced me and any sperm donor/husband/boyfriend etc. in the population – chillax.

Seventh lesson part triox: for the love of all things red do NOT say “you would have made a great mum/dad/parents” I REPEAT DO NOT say this to your single and/or childless friends. I for one would like to know how do you know this “fact”?  is it my winning personality, my love and charm that oozes from every pore? Please enlighten me or is it that you are “projecting” society’s inability to accept single childless (on purpose) people? Hmmm think about it.

Eighth lesson: reality check - stop pretending that two people with two incomes is the same as a single persons’ with an income of one! For all things orange it’s NOT the same!!! Our financial situation is different – we have to pay all bills ourselves. We do not split our bills e.g. car payments, insurance, food, wine, rent, hydro, phone etc. with others (there are some exceptions like roommates or they still live at home for whatever reason). I am refraining from making comments about cheap assess here...(well I didn’t really achieve that goal).

Ninth lesson: stop wondering why we don’t want to be the 3^rd, 5^th, 7^th or whatever # wheel. Every once in a while its fine and fun to hang out with your significant other but not all the time...afterall we aren’t in a relationship with them or even both of you. It gets old, isn’t any fun and we stop accepting invitations especially when it’s just us and all your couple friends.

Tenth and final lesson: be happy for us, accept our life choices – we have. Just because we aren’t married, don’t have someone special, don’t have children or all of the above doesn’t mean we aren’t happy for you in fact we are (unless someone is having a pity party for one). Celebrate with and for us. We have celebrated your special moments such as weddings, the birth of your child/children and are genuinely happy for you – please be happy for us. If we get a great job, go on an amazing trip or buy something ridiculous and materialistic like an awesome pair of shoes celebrate with us (don’t judge...ok judge a little if you must), share in our joy - we want you too because we have and continue to share in yours.

And one final thing, friends you have been great! I mean it. Thanks for sharing your singleton horror stories and hearing mine. Thanks for accepting me in all my singleness, moments of self pity and refraining from judgement (at least out loud) about my shoe purchases, trips and ridiculous purchases!

 

Good bye to the Third Decade

"Life begins on your 40th birthday. But so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times." - Helen Rowland

As I usher in my 40th year I say goodbye to my thirties. Personally I didn't consider my thirties all that bad until I did some reflection then I had one of those moments of realistic reflection (as we all know this is never a good idea but by then it was too late)I realized my 30's consisted of 

1) three years of graduate school (don't need to elaborate on this one)
2) Hangovers - more than one should experience in one's 30's
3) a move to a new continent quickly followed by heartbreak and a move back to continent of origin
4) periods of unemployment thinking of looking for a good box to move into or a bridge to live under
5) Knee injury that re-occurs and reminds me I am getting old
6) constantly being asked why I was getting married and/or having children (as I was "running out of time")
7) moving multiple times for jobs that weren't permanent 
8) Loosing loved ones - human & canine

then I had another more realistic reflection of my 30's and those years also consisted of the most important list:
1) three years of graduate school with amazing people, amazing places, new friends & lots of good memories
2) Great get togethers/parties resulting in hangovers & great memories (not necessarily in that order!)
3) Roommates - great ones, both human & 4 legged  
4) Trips with friends to amazing places 
5) Playing sports again and liking it!
6) Learning to use crutches in winter!
7) Moving to new places & making new friends
8) Truly appreciating good company, food & wine
9) Awesome friends
10) Love
11) Laughter Lots of it!
12) Visits with & re-connecting with friends
13) Employment 
14) Knowing I can do & understand complex statistics! Who said math was hard?
15) time enjoying art, books, music & culture

16) Celebrations - weddings, births, birthdays & anniversaries

the reality is my 30's consisted of many more good things than bad things. I think this bodes well for my 40's. So a big thanks all the people & canines for all the love, laughter, friendship & memories during my 30's...lets hope we have a few more decades to enjoy some more.  So for my 30 something friends don't despair its not all bad.

The Real Black Friday umm I mean Happy Valentine's Day

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. ~Author Unknown

Ahh Valentines Day or if you are like me its more aptly called Black Friday whether its on a Friday or not - for two reasons 1) its my birthday - having a birthday holiday in a word, sucks 2) everyone celebrates this day and gets presents rendering it not a special day for me. I know its not all about me but really one day would be nice or do I ask to much? Never mind rhetorical question...moving on Valentine's Day is a day when people (mainly men) are in malls, flower and chocolate shops going crazy trying to find the "perfect gift" as an expression of their love for that special person in their life - it appears that if one fails with a bad present you may be paying for it for a good year to come, consequences may be dire...  If you are a single person this day is not enjoyable at all for OH so many reasons I shan't go into. However, because this is such a commercialized holiday I think we should celebrate the true meaning of the holiday - a little history lesson if you will of what the day is all about, the true meaning behind the candy cinnamon hearts, chocolate, flowers and expensive gifts.So here it is a brief biased and opinionated view of St. Valentine's Day from this Birthday Girl.

Saint Valentine, the patron Saint of love, was beheaded by the Roman Emperor Claudius II because he continued to marry young couples even though Claudius forbade it.  Claudius' theory was married soldiers were not as good as single soldiers. 

So there you have it = translation married soldiers are bad, single soldiers are good...Not sure about this theory  as history shows the Romans lived very interesting lifestyles they were free with sex, drugs and drink. And as to sex well orgies were apparently common and a partner was all good regardless of gender. My own theory is that Claudius II was just tired of all the commercialism and was setting a  punishment precedent for over indulgence and excessive materialism for modern times but hey who knows maybe he wasn't really that big into love. FYI some historians believe Claudius II was murdered by his wife...may be he bought one too many bad gifts like a new wooden spoon or something equally awesome for his Empress' kitchen?  

New Goal: Use more appropriate language...(again this may prove to be extremely difficult)

Regardless I hope you have a good Valentine's Day! May it be filled with lots of chocolate, good wine and far too many cinnamon candy hearts than are good for you.

The Year of Forty!!

Greetings! Welcome to "The Year of Forty"

It may be obvious but this year (today) I turn 40...yip this is the year when unofficially my body starts to fall apart and I enter the decade where I officially become old. The good news is that as a women in her 40's this is the decade I am supposed to be happier with myself and all that I have achieved than the last 30 years (note to self this may require frequent reminders to self). 

I thought a good way to mark my 4th decade would be to "focus (brightly) on the future" and not look back...but I have decided that looking back isn't always a bad thing so this blog will include current and past (the last 40 years...Ok realistically 30) escapades. Warning stories may include you but names will be witheld but you will know who you are (hopefully or else I will just be some crazy old lady telling stories on the internet).

Additionally, I thought it would be to set some goals for myself in light of my entering a new decade full of possibilities I don't have them all figured out just yet but here are a some not necessarily in order of importance...if your my friend or family then you know some of these will be hard for me so low expectations!

1) Enjoy & appreciate friends & family (even the ones that drive you crazy)

2) Be nice (in other words invoke the filter)

3) Enjoy a good quality of life (don't get frustrated by things & people life is not about control or wanting to beat up annoying people)

4) Try a new wine once at least once a month (aim for once a  week...enjoy the world of wine one country at a time)...any takers? looking for wine buddies apply here

5) Have faith in humans (appreciate good things others do)

6) Know and accept myself (freckles, scars and the inability to filter)

7) Be a good human (be kind to the planet, animals and people...the people part will be hard)

9) Laugh a lot...everyday 

I am not sure how the next 365 days will go or bring but... here's to a new decade especially to friends who are entering this one with me and to those who are already there...oh and to those who are aren't there yet (suckers! there is nothing you can do about it hahaha)

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” ― Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten