Lessons for the non-singleton

“When did being single become a disease?”  Michael Thomas Ford, The Road Home 

Ok people listen up –this is an important message about your single friends, family members, co-workers or other people in your life. First off singles = singletons. Although this might seem like a bit of rant there are good lessons and intentions behind it. When I refer to singletons I refer to people who are actually single...let me clarify these are people who are SINGLE, not married, not living with someone, not common law, not serial daters and not people who have one or many friends with benefits. If you have never had to mark SINGLE –NEVER MARRIED or SINGLE – DIVORCED or even worse SINGLE – WIDOW/WIDOWER this message is for you so listen up.

First lesson: people who are single without children, who have never had children and/or who do not want/can’t have children are NOT in the same category as people who are single (for whatever reason) and have children. We are miles apart please do not try to shove us all in the same can, we will not fit. Just to clarify as much as I love pets and their special roles in our lives children for the purpose of this post do not include pets (yes I felt I had to clarify this point).

Second Lesson: believe it or not singletons are not social pariahs...I know shocking. Nor or we necessarily seeking the life that married people, people with children or any other family/couple situation may have.  Many singletons are very happy with their life situation...again this may be shocking.  We are not living in Victorian England! People are allowed to have careers, be single, enjoy their life choices and not be breeders it is the 21^st century....get over it.

Third lesson: please stop the pity party on our behalf, in fact don’t even send out the invitations. We didn’t get the invitation and even if we did there is a 99.99% chance that we didn’t/won’t show up! There is nothing wrong with someone who is single and who may remain so for short or long periods of time or even their entire lives. Being single does not mean we haven't experienced love, lust, passion or any other real emotion that marrieds and people with kids do/did.FYI the sad/pity looks for singletons are just as offending as terms such as, old maid or spinster.  

Fourth lesson: sometimes it’s nice to get an invitation to spend time with others...remember that just because you have someone to go home to everyday others may not and its nice to get an invitation doesn’t have to be for a holiday or special occasion. This does not include random blind dates/dinner invites with other singletons. Important note – just because two people are single is not a basis for why they should be shoved/forced together or thought of as a “good match”

Fifth lesson: please stop asking about our personal life or lack there of...if we want you to know we will tell you otherwise it's a no-go-zone, especially at work – no one wants to be the office pet project. There is nothing worse than having married/coupled off co-workers, family, friends etc finding out the single person is dating and living (or attempting to) vicariously through the single person...This is unpleasant (Translation = sucks) for singletons. It is awkward and feels invasive particularly when people add “I am so glad I don’t have to date anymore it must really suck”. Yes, it can and thanks for making it seem like a special time in my life because I’m not self conscious enough about dating in my whatevers with all my married/coupled off friends, family, co-workers etc, gawking and haggling about dates and providing unsolicited advice and/or comments. (Friends of mine I know you don’t do this to me, but seriously people do – stop it).

Sixth lesson: stop asking us if we have “plans” this weekend by plans we know you mean “a date” the answer is usually no and then we have to look at your crest fallen face and judge ourselves or you (usually it’s you) for the rest of the day or week.

Seventh lesson: please stop acting like the world has stopped rotating because we don’t have children. Some people do not wish to be single parents, or even want children and how about this nugget of information....some people (men and women) are actually physically unable to have children! I know shocking but true and this can be an upsetting conversation piece.

Seventh lesson part duex: please stop saying things like “you still have time”, “never say never” or “when the time is right you will change your mind” NEWS FLASH for those of us who don’t want children, who are approaching 40 and/or who are over 40 we are FINE with not having  a kid(s). I am well aware that my uterus is shrinking without use, that my ovaries will remain intact...trust me when I say this, I am fine with it. I don’t go home and cry into my big pillow because I have chosen to not reproduce there are plenty of other people out there doing it for me. You heard me, humans need not fear that we will go extinct people like the Duggars with 19 kids have already replaced me and any sperm donor/husband/boyfriend etc. in the population – chillax.

Seventh lesson part triox: for the love of all things red do NOT say “you would have made a great mum/dad/parents” I REPEAT DO NOT say this to your single and/or childless friends. I for one would like to know how do you know this “fact”?  is it my winning personality, my love and charm that oozes from every pore? Please enlighten me or is it that you are “projecting” society’s inability to accept single childless (on purpose) people? Hmmm think about it.

Eighth lesson: reality check - stop pretending that two people with two incomes is the same as a single persons’ with an income of one! For all things orange it’s NOT the same!!! Our financial situation is different – we have to pay all bills ourselves. We do not split our bills e.g. car payments, insurance, food, wine, rent, hydro, phone etc. with others (there are some exceptions like roommates or they still live at home for whatever reason). I am refraining from making comments about cheap assess here...(well I didn’t really achieve that goal).

Ninth lesson: stop wondering why we don’t want to be the 3^rd, 5^th, 7^th or whatever # wheel. Every once in a while its fine and fun to hang out with your significant other but not all the time...afterall we aren’t in a relationship with them or even both of you. It gets old, isn’t any fun and we stop accepting invitations especially when it’s just us and all your couple friends.

Tenth and final lesson: be happy for us, accept our life choices – we have. Just because we aren’t married, don’t have someone special, don’t have children or all of the above doesn’t mean we aren’t happy for you in fact we are (unless someone is having a pity party for one). Celebrate with and for us. We have celebrated your special moments such as weddings, the birth of your child/children and are genuinely happy for you – please be happy for us. If we get a great job, go on an amazing trip or buy something ridiculous and materialistic like an awesome pair of shoes celebrate with us (don’t judge...ok judge a little if you must), share in our joy - we want you too because we have and continue to share in yours.

And one final thing, friends you have been great! I mean it. Thanks for sharing your singleton horror stories and hearing mine. Thanks for accepting me in all my singleness, moments of self pity and refraining from judgement (at least out loud) about my shoe purchases, trips and ridiculous purchases!