"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion". - Scott Adams
First off I should say this is
NOT a fictional story it really happened to me and the memory is as fresh now
as it was all those years ago. Some of you may be familiar with the story so I
have tried to re-tell it with a more mature view...not sure if I was successful.
My first semester at university I
dated an older guy, he was 21 and I was 18, really the age difference doesn’t
matter now but at the time he seemed wiser...don’t know why I automatically
attributed older to wiser but I did back then. I spent my first American
Thanksgiving with a roommate and my boyfriend spent Thanksgiving with one of
his roommates and when we returned to school after the holiday my boyfriend,
Bob (not real name obviously) was very excited about this restaurant he had too
on break. In fact he was hell bent on taking me to this restaurant for dinner. Now
back then I wasn’t all that big on getting dressed up, spending money and going
out for dinner in fact I really tried hard to not go but he was so persistent
so I finally gave in. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going it was part of a
surprise... so I got dressed up, which for me meant a pair of dress pants, a fancy
shirt, doing my hair, and makeup and wearing jewelry – basically I was making a
effort because this night meant a lot to Bob. So when he showed up at my room
dressed in jeans I really should have seen the red flag waving in my face but
of course I didn’t because I was naive when it came to boys/men and the dating
scene.
A little background info here: we
were attending university in a small town in south eastern South Dakota, it was
the end of November and winter had completely arrived bringing freezing
temperatures and snow, lots of snow. Bob was pretty excited about the night he had
even borrowed a roommate’s car. We were going to Sioux City, Iowa where this
amazing restaurant was located. Sioux City was historically a meat packing
city, livestock (lots of it) was shipped by train back in the day to the city stockyards,
slaughtered and processed into a variety of meat products. In fact to
this day when you enter the city from the west there is still large meat
packing plant along the highway and I am assuming a modern day stock yard may
still exist there. The point is you can smell it (the city and the plant) before
you get to the city so everyone rushes past the plant on the highway because
the farther east you go the more bearable the smell is...bear with me this is
relevant to the story.
Back to the roommate's car, we
get in and Bob starts the car and because its winter and freezing (literally)
he cranks up on the heater, which was fine for about a minute then we were
immediately blasted by huge puffs of dust or smoke or whatever nasty particles
were coming out of the cars heating vents. We pulled out of the parking lot
gasping for air with windows rolled down so we could breathe until the dust or
whatever dissipated. On we went to Sioux City which is usually a 45
minute drive that goes by fast with good company and slow with awkward
company...this was awkward or at least beginning to be. Now as Sioux City was
the closest big town my friends and I often went to see a movie, go window
shopping or just take a break from the dorms on the weekend so I was familiar
with most of the exits off the highway. So as approached the meat plant and its
huge plumes of toxic smells I figured I knew we were headed to familiar
surroundings... When we exited off the highway at some random exit basically at
the meat plant that I had never been on and had no idea where we were I though
uh oh. When we ended up in what I thought was an abandoned gravel area in what
seemed like a very bad part of town I was a tad bit panicked. It turned out we
were in the old city stock yards and the abandoned gravel area was the parking
lot to our "restaurant"...
I was really starting to have
some serious doubts about this "great" date night he had gone on and
on about, but let’s face it it was too late to turn around – this date was
going to happen. We walked into what I thought was an abandoned old red brick
building and took an old freight elevator upstairs. This was not just an
ordinary freight elevator it had been painted with a huge clown, seriously, I
am not a fan of clowns I blame some freaky Stephen King book cover with a scary
clown coming out of sewer I saw as a kid. So seeing a life sized painted clown while
trapped in an elevator was not adding points to the night. Up a few floors we
went into the restaurant called the "Pizza Peddler". Now there
were many areas to the Pizza Peddler I was told by Bob including a bowling
alley, mini-golf course etc and we were in the exciting pizza restaurant where
while we waited for our pizza we could also drive bumper cars...again
completely serious. Now in Bob’s defense he had no idea that as I child I had
had a bad bumper car crash that required a trip to the emergency room and
stitches and had from the age of 8 sworn off all future to do’s with bumper
cars – to this day I give them looks of disdain and a large berth when
encountered. When I say restaurant I am perhaps being a bit misleading,
it was a large room with picnic tables covered in vinyl table cloths that could
easily sit a dozen people. I know this because a family of about 10 people mainly
children – clearly out for a fun filled night of frivolity - were the only
other people in said eatery. Now at this point I was really disappointed and I
really didn't think the night could get worse...
Now keep in mind Pizza Peddler
was in an old stock yard building so there were old railway lines running
throughout the building (oh and yes it added to the romantic ambiance...not). Which
was why I suppose I was disappointed, I thought we were out for some romantic
dinner not a date at some cheap version of Chucky Cheese. We sat down at a
table as far from the family as possible (trust me, it wasn’t far enough) and
from out of nowhere comes a robotic coyote riding a tricycle that was attached
to one of the rail tracks. Yes I said a robotic coyote dressed in a t-shirt
with a very obvious speaker shoved into his mouth, this was our waiter. He cycled on over to our table to take our
order. It was rather ironic given our school mascot was also a coyote.
However, this coyote had seen better days and he was operated in all
seriousness by a guy I could see behind one of the kitchen walls who was the
“voice”. We ordered and then Bob asked if I wanted to ride the bumper
cars my icy no and then re-telling of bumper car hatred did the trick, no
bumper cars for us that night. Bob then left to use the bathroom and folks he
was gone for what seemed like forever I honestly thought he had abandoned me to
the family and robotic coyote.
When he finally returned to our
table the coyote came out of the kitchen with a huge package wrapped in
Christmas wrapping paper which I thought it was for the table of kids because
who else would be getting a present. Now keep in mind I hate showy gestures of
affection or to be the center of attention particularly in a public place. So I
was horrified as I watched the coyote pass by the family and continue on only
to stop at our table. I already didn’t blend because I was all dressed up
while everyone else was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I was so horrified and
embarrassed because all eyes in the place where on me. Bob thought this was
great he had a huge smile on his face. Then things got interesting...a battle of
words (all clean) ensued between me and the coyote. Yes that’s correct I was
waging war with a robot one who wanted me to open the present right then and
there, he wouldn’t go away and kept saying open the present, open the present.
Bob was no help at all! He clearly didn’t understand or see how awkward and
uncomfortable I was. He actually had the entire family of 10 and himself chanting
along with the coyote very loudly “open the present, open the present” and banging
knives and forks on the tables. Yes, it was a nightmare come true for me. If
you know me at all you know I can be rather a stubborn person especially when
faced/forced into certain situations and this was one of them. I absolutely
refused to open the present. I finally relented and took the present from the
robot but still refused to open it for the rest of the meal. Every time the
coyote passed by our table he tried rather pathetically to get me to open
it. I actually at one point told him to come on out and open it himself,
this didn’t work and he eventually gave up. After dinner I was again given the
choice of either driving bumper cars or going to a movie. I chose the movie, no
surprise there, the night was on a serious downhill slide and Bob seemed to be
oblivious to it all.
Really I thought we would see a
movie, head home and this night would finally end. However, when we came out of
the movie theater it was snowing heavily and had been for sometime – the roads
were completely covered. Our 45 minute drive back to campus turned into a
2 hour drive from hell and not just because of the road conditions, and dust
blowing heating vents. No this because Bob my boyfriend of 2 months
decided to pronounce his love for me. Yes, he actually declared he was in
love with me. I mean what do you say to someone when you don’t love them back –
we had only been dating for 2 months! I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say
anything...it was a really uncomfortable LONG silent 2 hour drive back to
school. I was literally trapped in that little shite box of a car with nowhere
to go, no escape for 2 hours. I have never been so happy to see my dorm
in my life. I think I opened the car door before Bob physically stopped the car
and I think I may have actually ran down the hall to my room after saying
goodnight to Bob, which wasn’t easy carrying that huge present (the running not
the goodnight). When I got back to my
room, my roommate asked how the night was, I think I just gave her a look. She said I told him you probably wouldn't like
it, and I see you didn’t open the present. Yes folks Bob had had the foresight
to ask my friend and roommate if his amazing evening out was something I would
enjoy and she, knowing me, said no – but did he listen? Clearly he did not. I
was a little angry at her for allowing me to get all dressed up and for not
saying uh jeans will be fine and for not warning me what kind of night I was
possibly going to have. It was her that finally
convinced me to open the present. I was a bit nervous after the declaration of
love – I mean what kind of present could it be? It was a lava lamp...one with
blue liquid and a white blob of well lava...Oh the romance of it all. It is
most likely not surprising readers that our relationship ended a few weeks
later – another gong show ensued with said break up, a story for another time
however.
Now what story would be complete
without a little bit of irony? And this story has it. A few months after the
Pizza Peddler incident with Bob, a friend of mine set me up with a very
attractive and older friend of hers, Gary. When he picked me up he said we are
going to Sioux City and asked if that was ok with me? I of course said yes – I mean
the man was gorgeous I would have pretty much gone anywhere with him. As we
drove into the city he asked "Have you ever been to Pizza
Peddler?" I kid you not. He was taking me on a date to the
Pizza Peddler. I didn’t really know what to say so I just replied "Yes,
yes I have". I actually told him my whole Pizza Peddler story and we both
laughed really hard. I mean it was funny and poor Bob was just trying to take
me on what he thought was a great date – it was just the way it all transpired.
So I decided to give the Pizza Peddler
another go with Gary. We played mini-golf. It was a lot of fun and round two
with Pizza Peddler was actually fun but that may have been the company, the
lack of pizza, presents, and robotic coyote.
Looking back the whole experience
makes me laugh – it’s one of my favorite memories from that time in my life. I
mean I could have been a little bit more excited about the Pizza Peddler,
effort and though Bob put into the date. He really did go out on a limb and try
to give me an interesting and fun date unfortunately it completely backfired on
him because in the end it was Gary that got all the kudos and good memories of
the best Pizza Peddler date.
